Orochimaru Cookies
by Celcius
Summary: Kumiko, Takai, and Umi go on mission to the Sound, trying to track down Orochimaru. It starts with a plot, but I just decided to end it with the next best idea. Very crazy. R&R please. And that doesn't mean rest and relax, don't fall asleep.


Kumiko, Takai, Umi go on mission to the Sound, trying to help track down and destroy Orochimaru. Of course, them being themselves, they forget their mission and take a vacation. While looking for a place that sells good sweets, they come upon a secret passage that takes them to a hidden country, The Cookie Country, where they find Orochimaru in the Hidden Nabisco Village. Will the girls decide to kill Orochimaru, like they were ordered to, or will they take all of his Oreo cookies, and then give him the annoying nickname of "Oreo"? Read to find out!

(((((Somewhere on the edge of Fire and Rice Field Countries)))))

"Almost there. Confirm positions."

"All ready to go here."

"Second that."

"Umi, do you think you could be a little more specific?"

"No."

"Whatever. Let's go."

Three kunoichi leapt from tree to tree, slowly making their way from the Fire country into the Rice Field. They stuck to the shadows, being very careful, while still trying to hurry.

"Kumiko, keep a sharp eye out for traps."

"For wha-OOF... kidding."

"... I hate the both of you."

"I love you too, my little Takai-poo-poo."

So much for the professional approach on their part. The three girls, Takai, Umi, and Kumiko, were hired ninjas for the Hidden Leaf Village. At the moment, they were to search out Orochimaru, and if possible, kill him. Of course, no one was expecting them to actually kill him, but these girls were professionals. They knew what they were doing.

Suddenly, Kumiko stopped and landed on a tree branch. Taking out her binoculars, she glanced around the area.

"Spotted the Hidden Sound village."

"Really? Good job Kumiko."

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting her to find it either."

"Thanks guys. I believe in you too."

"Well, you aren't the most competent ninja to ever exist..."

"Wha- I AM PLENTY COMPETENT! I GOTS MAD SKILLZ!"

Taiki and Umi looked at each other. They looked back at Kumiko. She was positively fuming.

"Well, I'm the only one in the group who knows the summoning jutsu. Beat that!"

"You summon a panda... that eats!"

"Yeah, and that's about all it does."

"BUT IT HAS THE CHIBI EYES!"

"Guys, shut up!"

Both girls snapped their mouths shut, glared at each other quickly, then completely forgot what they were arguing about and turned to Umi.

"Spot something, Umi?"

Kumiko leaned in and peered over her shoulder. Takai grabbed and hung onto the branch above them. There was silence, when suddenly...

"RAMEN SHOP!"

The three girls rushed down toward the village.

(((((Later)))))

"This isn't exactly what I was expecting ninja to do."

A ninja of the Sound was peering into the Ramen shop. The three girls had rushed into the village so quickly and loudly, they had sent all of the scouts on alert. Needless to say, when those girls found ramen, nothing could stop them. Not even a whole hidden village. After the scouts dismissed them as more of an annoyance than a threat, the girls were left to ransack the Ramen Ichiban.

"So girls, what shall we do now?"

There was a small pause.

"DESSERT!"

Takai paid for the meal (with much complaining about using _her_ money), and the three started down the street looking for a shop that sold sweets.

After about and hour of looking, the girls were about to give up. Just then, Kumiko, with her superhuman food-smelling nose, sniffed something sweet.

"What is it girl? What did you find?"

"Treat me like a dog and I'll never tell."

Kumiko sniffed the air again.

"This way!"

The girl began a mad dash down an alley, the other two directly on her heels. She turned a sharp corner, falling to the ground. But she quickly pushed herself back up and continued on. Takai and Umi weren't as lucky. Umi came to the same stop, almost falling, but fully landing on the ground as Takai landed right on top of her. The two of them struggled to get up. When they were on their feet, they ran at breakneck speed to catch up with Kumiko. They turned the next corner sharply.

And ran directly into Kumiko.

Kumiko had stopped in front of an unmarked shop. It looked slightly drab, but had the most delicious smell coming from inside.

(((((Inside the Shop)))))

"Mmm, smells so good. I can't wait."

"There's only one problem Kumiko."

"What?"

"There's nothing here."

Kumiko opened her eyes. She had been travelling by scent alone, but with the scent came none of the food she was looking for. Kumiko whimpered in misery.

The girls, refusing to give up, searched the whole building. Umi looked around, confused.

"This building is awfully small. There are no other rooms."

Kumiko and Takai nodded.

"Yeah. If this place really made cookies, or something, wouldn't there be a back room?"

"What a rip-off. Let's go. We can go get more ramen."

Umi and Takai nodded at Kumiko, and they all went to leave. As they reached the door, the floor suddenly fell from beneath them.

"Wow, wasn't expecting that."

"Interesting that we didn't notice it."

"Well, we might as well enjoy it and get a good scream in."

"... AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The girls fell into the hole, completely ignoring the fact that they just defied gravity for about ten seconds, only to hit stairs. The girls rolled down the stairs. Umi, who was in front of the other two, managed to stop herself. She planted her feet into the stairs. Kumiko and Takai ran into her back with a pained yell.

"Have we stopped?"

"No, Kumiko, you're just imagining that you've stopped..."

"Wow. I have a good imagination!"

Umi slapped Kumiko over the head. The two girls looked for Takai. They looked up the stairs. Then they looked down, and lo and behold, there was Takai.

"TAKAI! Where do you think you are going?"

"I smell cookies."

Kumiko and Umi closed their eyes and sniffed the air. And they almost started to cry.

"It smells so beautiful!"

They all nodded and began to race down the long stairs.

(((((Somewhere Outside)))))

After racing down stairs, entering and racing down a long hallway, finding stairs going up, racing up those stairs and giving out about halfway, taking a rest and instant ramen break, and then racing up the rest of the stairs, they came out into a completely new place, and a different town. Unlike the village they left, everything seemed so peaceful and sickeningly happy.

"I want to pine over the adorableness of it and puke at the same time."

Umi nodded with Takai. Kumiko looked sick. There was a long pause. The girls sniffed the air quickly, for about the 10th time that day. They paused again (for probably the 50th time). But, instead of screaming, like they usually did, they were silent in awe of what they discovered.

"It's divine."

They all nodded, before bowing respectfully toward the smell, before walking toward it, following Kumiko's nose.

They walked down the street. It was all so cute, very pastel and sweet. Like an Easy Bake Oven, the girls thought. But the treats they saw looked delicious.

"Takai, why aren't we just stopping right here and eating?"

"Don't you know? Kumiko has the most talented nose of all. Even better than the Inuzuka clan's! But only when it comes to food."

"So, she could have an enemy humping her back, and she wouldn't notice unless the enemy had food on him?"

"Right. The reason we aren't stopping is because this is just the simple foods. She's leading us to the big stuff."

"Oh, good!"

"Hey, who are you!"

"Uh, oh dear."

"Get 'em!"

"RUN!"

The girls started to run, but by a weird twist of fate, slipped on their own drool (from the wonderful cookie smell), and were captured...

(((((Back to reality)))))

Okay, that didn't happen, but they did fall (over Kumiko, because she was spacing out) and they were indeed captured.

"Hey, we're fighting ninjas, not running."

"Well, actually, I use more of an indirect taijutsu."

"That's true, Kumiko. And I have the most chakra control, while Takai is just crazy strong."

"SHUT UP!"

The guards glared and yelled, and the girls were promptly knocked out, mostly to shut them up.

(((((Once again, somewhere, but the author doesn't know exactly what to call it)))))

"Wake up!"

Umi stirred in her sleep.

"C'mon girls. I command you, awaken!"

"Takai, I don't wanna wake up."

"Umi! Wake! Now!"

"What about Kumiko?"

"A train couldn't wake her. Even if it was running over her."

Suddenly Kumiko shot up.

"I smell cookies."

"But amazingly enough that could."

Umi raised a brow. Takai shrugged. Someone, hiding in the darkness laughed. The girls looked up. They saw a man sitting in the shadows. They couldn't see his face, but he sounded familiar.

"Who are you?"

"I am no one of importance. But what are you doing in my Hidden Village? I have kept this a specific secret from all shinobi. How did you find your way here?"

The man's barely visible eyes settled on Kumiko. She blinked then looked around to Takai and Umi. They were pointing at her.

"Don't blame me!"

"You were the one that led us here though!"

"Only because YOU wanted cookies for dessert."

"Silence."

The girls quickly shut up. The man stood, and the three gasped in unison. Takai found her voice.

"Orochimaru."

"So you have heard of me?"

"Actually, we were sent to ki- mphh ffb mphf."

Kumiko and Umi quickly covered Takai's mouth, before she gave their mission away. Orochimaru raised an eyebrow.

"Kill me?"

So much for keeping the mission secret.

"Now, I heard you say something about... cookies?"

The girls nodded, reluctantly. Orochimaru slowly stood up. The girls stood as well, keeping alert for any sign of attack. He went to walk past them. They stood back, facing him in case of attack. He slowed and smiled at Takai before passing them. The group (excluding Takai, who was still in shock from his dazzling smile, and the author gags), turned to him. He stood at a pair of double-doors that they did not notice before. His hands reached out. They tensed. His hands settle on the door. They in anticipation. He pushed the doors slowly open and...

"This is it."

Kumiko was the only one with her eyes open

"Kumiko? What's it?"

"The big stuff. This is what we have been looking for."

Umi slowly opened her eyes. She gasped. Takai opened one eye, then the other. Her mouth dropped open. They all looked at one another. They smiled, then...

"COOKIES!"

The girls dove for the door, shooting past Orochimaru. He walked up to them as they sat stuffing themselves.

"Is it good?"

They all nodded.

"I pride myself on being an excellent cook, be it food, or other ninjas. What can I say, I like when things burn."

"Amen to that brother!"

"Quiet, Kumiko."

Suddenly, the double doors (which had closed by themselves) were busted off of their hinges and through them came... Neji? Kumiko raised an eyebrow.

"Honey, I love you, but I can handle myself. You didn't need to follow us all the way here."

Neji stared at her.

"Sorry."

"That's okay."

Neji nodded and walked over to Orochimaru. There was a long pause.

"... Can I have a cookie?"

"Go wild."

Neji walked over to Kumiko and she handed him a cookie. He sat and started to eat. Umi heard someone clear his throat. She looked next to her.

"Gaara?"

He looked down at her.

"I don't even know why I'm here."

They all shrugged. Then they all piled on top of one another and had a massive ninja orgy!

(((((Back to reality)))))

"Kumiko, don't put that in there."

Neji, Umi, Gaara, Orochimaru, and Takai were all sitting around Kumiko, eating cookies. Kumiko had her laptop sitting in front of her. She was typing like mad.

"Sorry, sweety. Guess I got carried away."

"I think the people on FanFiction will loathe your strange sense of humour though."

"I hope they think it's funny. I mean, it's not supposed to make sense. Why would they care?"

Orochimaru spoke up.

"Is the reason you call me 'Oreo' because of this story? Because it really is an annoying nickname."

"I think it's more: the reason for the story is because we call you Oreo."

"Oh."

"Hey Kumiko."

"Yes, Umi."

"Why did Gaara randomly show up?"

"Because I felt like it."

"Why did we start having a massive orgy?"

"Because I felt like it."

"Kumiko?"

"Yes, Umi?"

"You are the BEST fanfiction writer ever!"

"Yes, Umi."

(((((End)))))

Like it says in the story, if you didn't like it because it was too crazy, that was kind of the point, so you had no reason to read it. I told you it was crazy in the summary!


End file.
